French team: Apparently, they came directly from defending the French Embassy in Iran. You do think they would have stopped for a change of clothes, though. Or at least to change the bandages on her head wound.
American team 1: It takes a guy who is really confident in his masculinity to wear a see-through shirt with sparkly flowers on it. Or gay, of course.
American team 2: The Reno Community Theater called; they need their costumes back for their annual All Showgirl Shakespeare Festival by Wednsday at the latest, okay?
Russian team 1: It must have been a challenge to find a material that perfectly matched her self-tanner. Looks like they could have gone a bit more orange.
Lithuanian team: The land of my heritage. Funny, but I don’t remember my grandfather ever wearing a lace-trimmed shirt cut down to his navel.
Italian team: Representing the host country by dressing as a Roman cocktail waitress who has recently been attacked by wolverines and the drapes from Cesar’s Palace, respectively.
Israeli team: Hey, wait! She’s one of those Star Trek aliens with the forehead stuff! That can’t be legal under IOC rules, can it?
Ukrainian team: Strippers On Ice! I wonder if she can make those tassels spin.
Russian team 2: “You wear the matador costume with the sparkles and I will put on the three pounds of eye makeup.” “Do I have to? You know we win no matter what we do.” “Yes! I will not let the other women upstage me with their skankiness. Now go, or I give you the ice skate to the head!”
Bulgarian team: New security regulations require all skating costumes from former Soviet Bloc countries be put through a paper shredder before entering the building.
American team 3: Snork. Giggle- okay, I can do this. There ruffles and- hehehe… And there’s, woohoohoo, sequins and suspenders and- dear God, is that shirt see-through?
I give up.