I have this theory. My theory is that Armageddon already happened, and nobody noticed. All of the good people ascended into heaven but there were only about nineteen of them so it didn’t get a lot off attention, and now the rest of us are all living in the end of days. For those who doubt me, I offer as evidence Paris Hilton’s new album, the fact that Big Momma’s House 2 has made more than seventy million dollars, and prepackaged ice.
And I’m not talking about the bags of ice you forget to buy at the grocery store when you’re having a party, so you have to run down to the 7-11 with your hair still wet, twelve minutes before your guests are supposed to arrive. This is premium packaged ice. Actually, technically, it isn’t ice at all, just filtered water sold in sealed, disposable trays, which you purchase at a cost of approximately ten cents a cube, or a penny for every functioning neuron you have. They also come with artificial lemon flavoring.
At least Rome got to be sacked by the Goths.