Daisy Bateman

A post that was just supposed to be a joke about American Idol, but got out of hand

Place: A secret laboratory, behind a strip mall somewhere in the Deep South.
Two scientists are huddled over a dimly-lit tank, from which choppy strains of “Unbreak My Heart” can be faintly heard.

Scientist 1: It’s almost ready! Soon we will be able to put the final stage of our plan into action.
Scientist 2: I’m telling you, you’re being too hasty. And since when do we have a plan?
Scientist 1: Of course we have a plan! You know that we are creating our army of blonde southern naifs to advance as American Idol contestants before turning into our brutal agents of destruction.
Scientist 2: Oh, that plan.
Scientist 1: They’ll never create enough antivenin in time!
Scientist 2: Yes, yes, but why the hurry?
Scientist 1: Our lease on this place is up next month. Damn landlord wants to put a Hardee’s in here.
Scientist 2: Gotcha. Well, I guess we’d better fire her up then. Phil!
(A RESEARCH ASSOCIATE, who has been doing all of the actual work, appears from under a piece of equipment.)
Research Associate: Are you talking to me? Because Phil left last month.
Scientist 1: Whatever. Get moving, we’re going live!
(Switches are thrown, cranks whir, machinery springs to life. Variously colored liquids move through tubes over the tank. Somewhere in the distance a coffee machine turns on. A thin, blonde figure stumbles out of the tank and looks around for a camera.)
Scientist 1: Yes! KMI005 is a go!
KMI005: *giggle* Who, little ol’ me? *giggle*
Scientist 1: She’s adorable! No one will be able to resist.
KMI005: *giggle* Y’all want me to sing sumthin? Ah’ve always dre-uhmed of bein’ a singuh. *giggle*
Scientist 2: I don’t know, don’t you think you’ve set the accent a little strong?
RA: Yeah, we’re almost out of the starting material, so we had to crank up the Southern charm to compensate.
KMI005:(warbling) Give meh one moment in tahm…
Scientist 2: Starting material? You mean the DNA from that water bottle we stole from Faith Hill’s dressing room?
Scientist 1: Right. We used most of it on KMI001; we’ve been running on fumes ever since. We filled out the gaps for 005 here with a combination of frogs and Hooters waitresses.
KMI005: Ah keep on fahling in ‘n out of love wit y’all… *giggle*
Scientist 1: (to RA) How’s the backstory coming?
RA: I think I’ve got it. You see, she’s an orphan, because her dad was a trucker, and one day he came back from a long haul and his friend told him that his dog had run off and his wife was cheating on him with another man, so he went to see the guy and found him dead, so he shot his gun off to get the attention of a patrol car, and they arrested him and hanged him almost immediately, even though it was really his sister who killed the guy, plus the wife, for reasons that remain unclear. What do you think?
Scientist 2: Isn’t that the plot of the song “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia”?
RA: Yeah, but I added the part about the dog.
KMI005:(off-key) …and Ah’m hungry lahk the wolf…
Scientist 1: Dammit, this isn’t working. (reaching for a knob) We need more charming Southerness!
Scientist 2: No! The system can’t take it!
(Scientist 1 cranks the knob all the way into the red.)
KMI005: *giggle* Ah lahk pea-yus. *giggle*
RA: She’s gonna blow!
Scientist 1: Oh, come on, she’s not that bad.
RA: No, I mean–
RKI005:(exploding) KUH-BLAYUM!
(The scientists emerge from the pile of heavily accented rubble.)
Scientist 1: Well. I guess we’ll have to go with plan C.
Scientist 2: I think that was plan C.
Scientist 1: Plan D, then. Phil! Bring the frisbees.
RA: (dying) I’m… not… Phil.


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