Project Hairway 2

Project Runway is back, for its last season before the Lifetime crapocalypse! In honor of the event, I am returning with my tradition of judging the contestants by their hair:

Kellie
Beehive, tattoos, black clothes– it’s kind of like if Amy Winehouse discovered deep conditioning and sandwiches.

Joe
“Hey, did you know there are guys who are, get this, attracted to women? No, seriously, it’s like, genetic or something. Anyway, sometimes we have hair like this.”

Kenley
Bettie Page, of course. Retro chicks always go for Bettie Page. Whatever; wake me up when someone turns up styled like Frederick Handley Page.

Jennifer
The kind of long, straight style that would make Nick on What Not to Wear repeatedly use the phrase “security blanket.”

Terri
Hey Terri, Donna Summer called. She was going to ask for her hair back, but then she decided it looked pretty good on you, so she’s letting it slide. I’d stay away from the one-shoulder shirts though, just to be on the safe side.

Blayne

My first impression: kinda cool fifty-something aging-surfer-dude. Actual fact twenty-seven year-old designer.
Seriously, buddy, the tanning booth is not your friend.

Suede
Some people look to past fashion icons for their hair choices, some draw inspiration from art or nature. And some people, apparently, style themselves after a home pregnancy test.

(This season: Suede. Next season: Naugahyde.)

Leanne
The kind of long, straight style that would make. . . Wait, didn’t I already do this one?

Keith

When the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is to take a nice, refreshing swig of vodka, your grooming regimen had better be fairly simple.

Stella
One box Clairol Nice N’ Easy hair color in 124 (Blue-black): $7.99
One Supercuts basic trim-and-bangs: 19.95
Knowing what an alternate-universe Cher who never made it big and got all the plastic surgery, and instead lived out her days busing tables at a leather bar in Duluth would look like: Priceless.

Korto
And in the category of Even I’m Not That Stupid: Me making fun of her hair. Next!

Daniel
Fine, go ahead and hide that headsuit under a jaunty hat. You still can’t stop me from commenting on that artfully cultivated stubble, can you?
Seriously, do you have a special razor setting for that, or what?

Emily
On the other hand, why bother with hats when you can make your own ski cap out of hair? I guess when you’re a designer, everything is material.

Jerell
Wait, this guy was on the show? Seriously? Huh.

Jerry, Wesley

Okay, guys, listen. Just because you take a bit of your hair and make it stand up in the middle does not mean you have “style”. Try again.