Daisy Bateman

Why Crocs Will Destroy the Universe

(Author’s note: It hardly needs saying that the following applies equally to Uggs.)

Occasionally, people try to convince me that wearing plastic gardening clogs out in public isn’t so bad. I kill them, of course. But there are a lot of misguided people in the world and if I tried to go around killing them all I would never get anything else done. So I will try and convince the rest of you by using the combined forces of reason and a very loose interpretation of the second law of thermodynamics.

Firstly, though, we need to establish some basic assumptions.

1. Crocs are ugly. They are fat, chunky plastic things, brightly colored Mickey Mouse feet with holes in them. No one ever put on a pair of Crocs, looked at themselves in a mirror and thought, “Damn, I am bringing it.”

2. Did I mention that they are made of plastic? Unless you are employed in certain specialized roles in the adult entertainment sector, you should not own any items of clothing for which the care instructions are “wipe clean with a damp cloth.”

3. There is, in fact, a situation where brightly colored plastic sandals can be cute. This would be when the wearer is under eight years old and has not yet mastered shoelaces. I can understand not wanting to give up the good things about childhood, like summer vacations and waterslides. But why would any adult in his or her right mind want to reclaim the time when they couldn’t quite get the whole “rabbit goes into the hole” thing?

Everyone clear on those? Okay then. On to the Universe.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics, Heavily Paraphrased states that in any system, entropy can only increase. Which means that every time someone takes the lazy way out, every time a grownup decides he or she doesn’t need to put on real shoes like the rest of us, every time the words “but they’re comfortable” are uttered as an excuse, the total entropy of the universe is increased by that much, and we inch ever closer to annihilation by disordering.

Really, it’s just plain logic.

5 thoughts on “Why Crocs Will Destroy the Universe”

  1. Hot pink, size large here. Where were you when I needed you? Everyone said they were sooooo comfortable. They're so wide they flop off my feet. I DO NOT have small feet. Use the little strappy thing in the back? Now there's a look. Gardening? Not a chance. Dirt plus holes equals filthy feet which equals filthy shower and guess who has to clean the shower? The only thing they're good for is mocking me every time I see them. What was I thinking?

  2. Sophie– No, not you! I'm glad to hear your offspring managed to come to the rescue. (Though I have trouble imagining how good they would be for skateboarding; don't you need good traction for that?)

    Cornelia– Dear God, woman, whatever you do, stay away from those things.

    I mean, that applies to everyone, but I think you should exercise special care here.

    Marlyn– I have no objection to people using them for what they were made, though I do see Sue's point about the holes.

    Sue– We all have these youthful indiscretions. The important thing is to learn from them and move on.

    I wonder if Crocs are recyclable?


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