Daisy Bateman

Ugly Things for Rich People: Accessories Edition

It’s the accessories that make an outfit. These accessories make an outfit stupid.

Marc Jacobs gloves, $850

I’m not generally a person who will get all frothing-at-the-mouth-y about wearing fur, but honestly: Some poor animal died so that you could go out in public wearing fuzzy fingerless boxing gloves and that render your hands totally useless. I hope you sent some nice flowers to its family.

(See also.)

Benoit Missolin headband, $195

Handy tip: If you are a wealthy older man and your new wife just purchased this on the credit card you gave her, all of your friends are laughing at you behind your back.

DSquared2 scarf, $165

Dolce & Gabbana scarf, $155

This is going to be the primary enduring legacy of the Occupy Wall Street movement, isn’t it? The appearance of wealth will become so unfashionable that even people who think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on a trendy scarf will want one that looks like they stole it off a hobo.

Junya Watanabe scarf, $1,460

I do understand that there are places where “winter cold” means something more than “hey, I can see my breath!” However, I refuse to believe there is any ambient temperature that justifies going out looking like you are in the process of springing fully-formed from the Cookie Monster’s skull.

Guiseppe Zanotti sleeves, $245

Are you bothered that so many items of clothing do not come with rhinestone-embellished sleeves? Do your shoulders get unbearably hot while the rest of your arms remain freezing? Do you feel like there is a certain amount of Elvis missing in your life? Will you buy absolutely anything if it’s on sale?

Well, have I got a product for you.

Undercover pouch, $435

Yes, I know, the pop art movement was very modern sixty years ago. But don’t you think it’s time you stopped pretending this sort of thing is ‘edgy’ or ‘artistic’ or a commentary on anything, and admit you just spent four hundred dollars for a piece of plastic with a picture of a cookie package on it? The world would be a better place.

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