Daisy Bateman

Ugly Gifts for Rich People

As Black Friday closes in on us, let’s take a moment to reflect on what the more fortunate, and less intelligent, among us are going to have their employees wrapping for them this year.

Gucci hat, $325

“Merry Christmas honey! I think you’re a total douchebag.”

Maison Frances Kurkdjian bubbles 1.5 oz, $20

Oh for the love of god. Listen, crazy rich people, I am going to try to explain this in a simple enough way that even you can understand: Children do not care about fancy bubbles. They are not interested in the fact that you spent as much on this as twelve bottles of regular bubbles would cost, or that they have delightful notes of fresh cut herbs. In fact, no child has even been interested in any sort of bubbles for more than seven minutes, so you might as well just give up and go buy accessories for your dog.

Jay Strongwater box, $1,400

“Oh, um wow. Thank you.”
“It’s a toad!”
“Yes, yes I see that.”
“And it’s also a box! See you can open its back and put something small in it. Like, maybe some toothpicks.”
“Yes, it’s very useful. And, um, sparkly.”
“I knew you’d like it! It was very expensive.”

David Yurman bracelet, $595

Things to ask yourself when buying a gift of jewelry for a man:
Is this something he could get for twelve dollars from a vendor on Telegraph Avenue?
Will wearing it make him look like his development arrested at seventeen years old?
Does it cost nearly six hundred dollars?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, put away your credit card and go drink rum toddies until the feeling passes.

Ralph Lauren trinket tray, $250

Because nothing says ‘powerful executive’ like a tiny silver toilet seat on your desk.

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