All footnotes, all the time! These garments can’t decide what they are, and I can’t decide how best to insult them.
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| Opening Ceremony coat, $375 |
It’s like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was “business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down.”*
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| Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489 |
It’s a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of “Rah! Sweatshirt smash!”**
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| James Long shirt, $1,235 |
“Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far.”***
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| Ancien Regime pants, $337.50 |
Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****
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| Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950 |
It’s not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you’d pay for a late-model used sedan!*****
*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It’s always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***”I’m so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!”
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they’re selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you “lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception.” You know, as one does.