All footnotes, all the time! These garments can’t decide what they are, and I can’t decide how best to insult them.
|Opening Ceremony coat, $375|
It’s like a mullet, if the principle behind a mullet was “business on top, Yeti from the shoulders down.”*
|Dolce & Gabbana hoodie, $489|
It’s a sweatshirt that was wearing a sweater when it (the sweatshirt) was exposed to gamma radiation, causing it, the next time it got angry, to rip through its sweater with a cry of “Rah! Sweatshirt smash!”**
|James Long shirt, $1,235|
“Wow, Aunt Mavis, this is really. . . a shirt. I had no idea you had taken your macrame hobby so far.”***
|Ancien Regime pants, $337.50|
Bell-bottoms or knee-skirts? You be the judge.****
|Stella McCartney jumpsuit and skirt, $9,950|
It’s not one, not two, but three hideous outfits in one! And all for no more than what you’d pay for a late-model used sedan!*****
*Apparently, the designer heard that shoulders were hot this year, and seriously misinterpreted.
**It’s always a good idea to be wearing two sweaters, in case the first one is eaten off your body by a surprise swarm of high-speed moths, as this gentleman is demonstrating.
***”I’m so glad you like it. And you can save on closet space, because you can tie the bottom together and hang it in the living room with a plant in it!”
****And jury. And executioner.
*****The best part is that they’re selling it as a wedding dress.******
******No, wait the even better best part is the suggestion that you “lose the skirt and rock the lace jumpsuit during the reception.” You know, as one does.