Daisy Bateman

Ugly Clothes for Rich People, Part Post-Holiday Sales

Times are tough all over, and even wealthy idiots are feeling the need to cut back on their hideous-clothing budgets. So let’s see what they’ll be saving on, in order to have more money to spend on fur-lined beer cozies for their caveman-themed Superbowl parties.*

*Note: I was just going to do one of these, but I found so much material just in the first store I was looking that I think I may stretch this out over the whole week. Unless I forget.

KORS Michael Kors boot, $416

In theory, I am in sympathy with rejecting the idea that a woman must shave every bit of hair off her body to be socially acceptable. In practice, I think there might be better ways of making this point during the winter.

Dior ankle boot, $1050

You know what I want my feet to look like? Hooves. Giant, beige hooves. With buckles.

Giambattista Valli dress, $2397

“Excuse me, ma’am, I think your skirt is blebbing.”

Roberto Cavalli caftan, $1326

Who knew that those guys who sell carpets out of the back of a truck at rural intersections were actually on the cutting edge of fashion?

Nicholas Kirkwood bootie, $1031

Get yourself a couple of pairs of googly eyes, and pretend you’re walking around with your feet stuck into Grimace’s head!

Prada tote, $4185

You can not call yourself a true fashionista unless you have spent upwards of four grand on an item that no one will believe you didn’t just pick up at a church rummage sale.

Alexander McQueen jacket, $1604

You know what they say about a man with huge, awkwardly-placed pockets: That he has giant hands and very tiny arms.

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