Do you want the satisfaction of tending your own garden plot, but are afraid you might not be able to spend sufficiently ridiculous amounts of money and/or look stupid enough while doing it? Well, fear not! Capitalism has you covered.
For starters, you’re going to need some tools.
|Shime Garden Tools, $1250|
You provide the sticks. (Seriously.) The primary downside of purchasing this set is that, if you do, a farmer from the 1860s will appear on your doorstep and punch you in the face.
Or, if that seems like too much of a commitment, you could always start by just buying a shovel:
|Orion long handled spade, $258|
Solid copper, so your plants won’t get arthritis.
And what if you like the look of old garden tools but would rather sit on them than use them?
|Antique garden tool chair, $4100|
Free tetanus shot with purchase!
Or maybe you have moved to a “transitional” neighborhood that is still in the part of the transition where people pile industrial scrap in their yards, and you want to fit in, but not too much:
|Bozeman furnace, $2100|
Once you’ve settled in, you’ll want to invite some friends over, maybe play some bocce:
|Bocce ball set, $298|
You’ll need a tub for drinks:
|Vintage grape crate, $398|
Somewhere for people to sit:
|“Weathered” regency chair, $1800|
And some sort of pointless little garden cupboard:
|Driftwood Cabinet, $2400|
There ain’t no party like a pointless little cupboard party.
But really, when you come down to it, the garden is your space, to grow flowers and food and maybe even raise some chickens in a ludicrously expensive coop that looks like the abandoned craft project of a drunk four-year-old:
|Chicken coop, $3000|
(You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re making Williams-Sonoma’s offerings look sane and reasonable by comparison.)