Daisy Bateman

I Am Not Making This Up

You thought I was exaggerating about my cubicle neighbor‘s insanely sycophantic conversation style? Well, I have here a transcript of the majority of the things she said in about two minutes of conversation that proves that I wasn’t: “Okay.”“Absolutely”“Yeah”“Yeah”“Yes, exactly”“Right”“That’s interesting”“Interesting”“Right”“Right”“Sure” Can I start screaming now?

Ode to the Person in the Neighboring Cubicle

I don’t know how to say this, butI hate you.Harsh but accurate. I hate your endless personal phone callsYour novelty ringtoneYour eternal coughing thatechoes across the empty office space. I find it annoying everyone elsein your group was laid off.But you weren’t. And more than anything I hatethe way that every conversation you haveis just … Read more

Why Crocs Will Destroy the Universe

(Author’s note: It hardly needs saying that the following applies equally to Uggs.) Occasionally, people try to convince me that wearing plastic gardening clogs out in public isn’t so bad. I kill them, of course. But there are a lot of misguided people in the world and if I tried to go around killing them … Read more